Lolzzzz.....

This had to happen!!!!

Just for fun...

An oxymoron is usually defined as a phrase in which two words of contradictory meaning are brought together:-

1) Clearly misunderstood

2) Exact Estimate

3) Small Crowd

4) Act Naturally

5) Found Missing

6) Fully Empty

7) Pretty ugly

8) Seriously funny

9) Only choice

10) Original copies

And the Mother of all......

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11) Happily Married

How things changed!!!

Maybe its an old joke...but very true and funny..:)

Time to relax a bit!!!

Good Communication!!

This could happen at work, home or anywhere else where people 

jump into conclusions and not listen! 

Good COMMUNICATION 
is the best solution for many of problems that we might face in our life!

Read and Laugh!!!

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusualfuneral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied "Please join the queue."

Nice one....Enjoy!!

This particular joke won an award for the best joke competition Organized in Britain: A man walks into a bar in Londonand ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits in the backyard  of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender  asks him, “You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you  buy one at a time.”  The man replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in  Canada and I’m here in London. When they left home, we promised that we’ll drink  this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The man became  a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He order 3-Beers and drinks  them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers. All the other regulars notice  and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t  want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences  on your great loss.” The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs.... “Oh, no,” he, said,  “Everyone’s fine - both my brothers are alive”. The only thing is I just quit drinking...! !!

A SHORT STORY....................

Ramya was about to leave office after finishing her work. She got a call from her husband Karthi,

RAMYA(R): "Hello, yes Karthi".
KARTHI(K): "Ramya, can you open my gmail and get a print out of the mail  from that US consultant I forgot to take it in my office"
(R): "Yes, I can, I need your password"
(K): "jeni22091980"
(R): "Ok fine"

She takes the print out and logs out. Some thought struck her mind now.
JENI happens to be his college mate. Hmmm..........

She decides not to discuss this with Karthi, she open her mail box and  changes the password from
"mohan143" to "karthiramya" and leaves for home.

Now what are u waiting for??? Change your password.... 

Laloo got job in Microsoft Corporation !!

 

Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA.

A few days later he got this reply: 

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,

You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence.

No phone call shall be entertained.

Thanks
Bill Gates. 


Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply.

He arranged a press conference : "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai." 

Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued... ... "Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.


Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet -----aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.
No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates. ---- Tohar Bilva.

Side effects Alcohol...and Remedies-------Laugh aloud !

*Side effects of alcohol.... And remedies!!!* 


1. *Symptom*: Cold and humid feet. *
Cause :* Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink
on your feet). *
Cure: *Manoueuvre glass until open end is facing upward

2. *Symptom*: The wall facing you is full of lights. *
Cause : *You're lying on the floor. *
Cure: *Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. *Symptom:* The floor looks blurry. *
Cause : *You're looking through an empty glass . *
Cure: *Quickly refill your glass!

4. *Symptom*: The floor is moving. *
Cause : *You're being dragged away. *
Cure: *At least ask where they're taking you!

5. *Symptom:* You hear echoes every time someone speaks. *
Cause : *You have your glass on your ear and tryin to drink from it *
Cure: *Stop making a fool of yourself!

6. *Symptom*: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny. *
Cause : *You're in the wrong house. *
Cure:* Ask if they can point you to your house.

7. *Symptom:* The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and
the music is very repetitive. *
Cause* : You're in an ambulance. *
Cure:* Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

Traffic court

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.


Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. 


"Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"


Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."


The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie"...


Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move...


However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.


Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. 


After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"


"Now tell me, what the hell would you say?"

Laugh Along...

Amma: Yaen da azharae ?
Mon:  Appa mutham kodukalai maa
Amma: Nee nallaai padikkathathu nala thaan?
Mon: Ohh nammaloda  Velakari edhavadhu padikkarala?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Sardhar was sitting at a bus stop, he saw a truck that was pulling
another truck by a rope.  He laughed and said “thalle oru cheriya
kayar kondupokan 2 loriyoo"..
 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
WIFE: Oru vishayam solraaen ? Adikka kodadhu, I am pregnant!!!
HUS: Good News !!!yaen bayapadarae?
WIFE: Collegil padikkumboo appa kitta sonabodhu adi kadachidhu athaaan…...
 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Ningal fridge-il saajindu ninaa fridge enna ninaikum ?
Cool inside fool outside
Ningal computer-nu munpil irikkumbodhu computer enna ninaikum?
Intel inside Mental outside

 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Phone rings,
Husband: If it is 4 me then say that I am not at home.
Wife answered: He is at home.
Shocked Husband: What the Hell?
Wife: It was for me !!!!
 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Sardharji is irritated of Jokes made on him. He goes to his wife and
said “Tell me one joke in which I am not involved”
Wife: I am Pregnant
 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Sardharum  pondatiyum scooter la pookumbodhu
Wife: Pathukke pooku enikku bayama irrukku .
Sardhar: Bayam irundha ennai polla kanna mudikinnu vaa
 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

Mix Santa - Banta Jokes

Titanic was sinking.

An englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.

Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?

Santa: Downwards!


**********

Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators.


**********

How did santa tried to kill a bird??

He took it to the top of a building and dropped it from there to die.


*********

Santa: I have swallowed a kay.

Doctor: When?

Santa: 3 months back!

Doctor: What were you doing till now?

Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.


*********

Santa was drawing money from ATM. Banta, who was just behind him in the line said: I've seen ur password. It’s ****. Santa: U r wrong. It’s 1394.


*********

Santa falls in love with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."


*********

Santa asked Banta: Why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in evening?

Banta: Very simple, because he is PM not AM.


*********

Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?

Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.


*********

A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.

Santa doesn’t turns up for 4 days.

Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.

*********

Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!

Santa: Why don't u cook something else? .


**********

An Englishman and santa inside the toilet.

Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?

Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do!


***********

Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?

Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..


***********

Ultimate answer while changing the job.

Interviewer: Why did you changed your last job?

Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where.


************

Santa and Banta went for a drive.

Santa: Hey, look out from the window, are the indicators working or not?

Banta puts his head out & says "Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No!!!"


************

Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously...

Finally, santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.


************

Why did santa keep the door open while bathing?

Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.


************

Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home. The steering, dash board, gears of car have been stolen.

After sometime he calls again: I am coming, earlier I sat on the back  seat

Kids are Quick...

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:         Here it  is. 
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:         Maria. 

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables. 

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L' 
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it..   

(I  Love this kid)  

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O..  
TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me! 

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.  
TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE:         I  is.. 
TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
                    Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:           Because George still had the axe in his hand..   
 
TEACHER:    Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.  
TEACHER:     Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :         No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher 
   
LAUGHTER  IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!  

The Kind Lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

Master Plan!

Jokes to enjoy!

Hi friends

I came across these humorous jokes few days back and I thought I would share it with all of you. Its just good. Enjoy!

"U love someone
U marry someone else.
The one u marry
becomes ur wife or husband
And the one u loved
becomes the password of ur mail id" 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------- 
There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it. 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- 
Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects... 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------ 
Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is the liver & wife the kidney.
If the liver fails, the kidney fails. If the kidney fails, the liver manages with other kidney. 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- 
Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge,
na apne bachchon ko karne denge. 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------ 
What's the diff between Dava & Daru? 
Dava is like a girlfriend, that comes with an expiry date and
Daru is like a wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi... 
------------ --------- --------- --------- -- 
Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?
Kyonki  shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband
ke hisse mein aate hain aur wife Be-Gumho jaati hai. 
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------- 
The Japanese have produced a camera that has
such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture
of a woman with her mouth shut!

A small joke about a taxi driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" 

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." 

Supernatural Power!

There was this case in this hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed on Friday mornings around 9am regardless of their age, gender, medical history or medical condition.


This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural: Why did death occur at that same bed around the same time every Friday?


So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause of the deaths.


Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. The new (unknowing) patient laid there.
Some doctors held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil...and they waited.


8am, the patient was still alive...


8.30am...still breathing...


Just before the 'cursed' time, the door to the ward swung open...


Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, comes in and unplugs the life support system so that she can use the vacuum cleaner!